Baby Steps Toward IT

Open Book

I have always been one

I say what I am thinking and have no qualms about it

Holding back self thoughts just does not seem fair or kind

But at this moment it is becoming a path I feel I must walk

I want to become more centered in what I will be next

I want to plan for a future that I can visualize and plan for ME

That takes not only focus and determination

but the changing of my non existent walls to having a bit of a fortress around me

I want to live a life of international travel for half of my time

I want to visit other countries for half of my life 

and work hard the other half

I want to evolve so that eventually this becomes travel for 3/4 of my time

and working really hard 1/4 of my time

Why?

Because I have given up so much in the last ten years

without even realizing it

Wearing myself out by thinking of others 

Dealing with life trauma

and just getting past the stuff that I HAD to get past

This is NOW

So now as the fog clears and the distance is visible

I can see a clear path to doing EXACTLY what I want for the rest of my life

This will take a work ethic that rivals anything I have ever done

It will take total focus NOW to give me a forever that feeds my soul

SELFISH?    

Not really

Just going back to that friend that is just happy

I want to put myself in front of all of the others that expect and demand from me

MY time has come

MY life is kicking into gear

MY attention is drawn to what it must be to make me happy

So I start where I always start

by working harder than I ever have before

That has always worked to deliver the results in my life that I crave

In my life I have always been the producer

I produced a life for five children that gave them everything that they needed 

or wanted

They had a magical life that they did not realize was so magical

When it all got thrown away by an ex husband that was threatened and unhappy

I was in such trauma

and the walls were in crumbles all around me

I missed the peace of knowing exactly what I needed to do to be happy

I missed the family concept of people working together to accomplish anything we needed

I missed the love of an unconditional situation based on growing and enjoying

the fruits of what we did as a family

I became just ONE

I was not used to it

I worked as hard as always but my stool has one leg not three

Now I see it and I long for it to be stable again

So I am creating that stability with a new normal

My efforts will build a different kind of stability

A focus and foundation of nurturing me for a change

Taking a break when exhausted and making myself happy

Not so focused on giving it all to someone else

A huge change for me

And baby steps will change the mindset